Interviews
by TV Chick
Summary: This is what happens when you let an author ask too many questions.


Disclaimer: I do not own Babylon 5 (if I did I would be writing new episodes). 

Note: Do not take this seriously. It's supposed to make you laugh. I exaggerated the people's already dominant characteristics: John-humor; Delenn-naive; Sinclair-serious/boring; Garibaldi-annoying/supicious; Zack-his crush on Lyta; Lyta-mysterious; Marcus-annoying; Stephen-irritablity; Lochley and Ivanova-temper/witty. 

Warning: Some characters are easier to make fun of than others. 

denotes telepathic speech> 

__________ 

Tv Chick (host): Hi everyone! Today I will be interviewing the B5 gang. This includes Sheridan, Delenn, Garibaldi, Sinclair, Lyta, Zack, Dr. Franklin, Marcus, and of course my favorites: Ivanova and Lochley. I think I'll do it in pairs to prevent major confusion. Let's see, Sheridan and Delenn first. 

Sheridan and Delenn:*enter* 

Sheridan: Hello. 

Delenn: Greetings. 

Tv Chick: Please have a seat and we can begin.*gestures to a sofa* 

Sheridan and Delenn: Thank you. 

Tv Chick: Well, to start off, how about I just ask you miscellaneous things? 

Sheridan and Delenn:*gaze into each other's eyes* 

Tv Chick: I'll take that as a yes. Who would you consider your most faithful friend on B5? 

Delenn: I have had many friends who deserve praise, but Lennier would be my choice. 

Sheridan: I would say Ivanova. 

Tv Chick: Good answers. Well, let's see how well you know your faithful friends. I have three questions each. Delenn, what is Lennier's favorite color? 

Delenn: I believe you call it orange. 

Tv Chick: Correct. What is Susan's? 

Sheridan: Does she even have one? 

Tv Chick: Well, according the cards in my hand it's either black or blue. 

Sheridan: Figures. 

Tv Chick: Moving on, what is their favorite Earth song? 

Delenn: I do not know. 

Tv Chick: Neither do we. 

Delenn: Why then did you ask it? 

Tv Chick: Because I like Susan's answer. Care to guess at what it is, John? 

Sheridan: Something to do with ripping lungs out? 

Tv Chick:*laughs* Sorry it's "I am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel. And the final question is what is there favorite food? 

Delenn: Spoo. 

Tv Chick: Right. 

Sheridan: Chicken? 

Tv Chick: Wrong. Apparently Delenn knows Lennier much more than you know Susan. 

Sheridan: Well, Susan is more private than Lennier. 

Tv Chick: What do you miss most about B5? 

Delenn: The people; they are all so dear to me. What about you, John? 

Sheridan:*laughs* Watching Ivanova chew out some poor, unsupecting person who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Tv Chick: Oh, in that case, we happen to have a tape of her telling some loser the B5 mantra. You want to see it? 

Sheridan: Oh yea... 

Delenn: John! 

Sheridan: Uhh...no 

Tv Chick: Okay now, if you could be trapped in a lift tube with a knife and someone else, who would it be? 

Delenn: John, but I'd let the knife be.*they start the gazing thing again* 

Tv Chick: The point is that you kill the other person or seriously wound them. With that in mind what is your answer? 

Delenn: Elizabeth. 

Sheridan:*shocked* My sister?!! 

Delenn: Of course not. Your ex-wife, Elizabeth Lochley. 

Sheridan: Why? 

Delenn: I do not like her. 

Tv Chick: You know she could kick your butt right? But anyway, John? 

Sheridan: Well, if he was still alive I'd say Clark, but Bester makes a close second. And then there's...nevermind. I have a lot of enemies. 

Tv Chick: Couldn't imagine why. Oh well, it's time for the next pair: Garibaldi and Sinclair. Delenn, John, thank you for coming. 

Delenn and Sheridan:*exit* 

______ 

Garibaldi and Sinclair:*enter* 

Tv Chick: Hiya. Have a seat. Now I'm trying to vary the questions so I won't ask you the exact same things I asked them. All set? 

Sinclair: Ready. 

Garibaldi: How did I get talked into this? I should've stayed home. You're just a kid; and what kind of name is 'Tv Chick' anyway? 

Tv Chick: Well, at least I have hair! But enough arguing, what is your favorite twentieth century movie and why do you like it? 

Sinclair: _Star Wars_, because it had a little of everything. 

Garibaldi: Which one? 

Sinclair: The whole thing. 

Garibaldi: There are six of them. You can't like all the movies the same. 

Tv Chick: He has a bit of a point. Do you have a favorite Star Wars movie? 

Sinclair: _The Empire Strikes Back_, I guess. 

Tv Chick: Ugh. That's the one I don't like to watch. 

Garibaldi: Why? It is arguably the best one. 

Tv Chick: Hold it! I'm the one asking questions. What is your favorite twentieth century movie, Mr. Garibaldi? 

Garibaldi: I'd have to say _The Return of the King_. 

Tv Chick: That isn't from the 1900's, but I suppose I'll allow it. I like it too. Did you read the books? 

Garibaldi:*puzzled* It was a book? I didn't know that. What was the book like? 

Tv Chick:* rolls eyes* Nevermind. Why do you like the movie? 

Garibaldi: Awesome action sequences. 

Tv Chick: But what about the sadness and uncertainty and loss of hope and final victory at a high price and... 

Garbaldi: What are you talking about? 

Tv Chick: What am I talking about!? The... 

Sinclair: Can we continue this debate later and move on for now? 

Tv Chick:*annoyed* What is the best pratical joke you've ever played on someone? 

Sinclair: I put toothpaste in my parents socks once? 

Garibaldi: The one that comes to mind is one I played on Ivanova. Jeff here was in on it too. We got her to fall asleep at breakfast and when she woke up we pretended that she had slept right on through breakfast when it was only really a couple of minutes. She yelled at me afterwards for that though. 

Tv Chick: I believe she said, and I quote "GARIBALDI!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Garibaldi: The sweetest part. 

Tv Chick: We only have time for one last question--what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? 

Sinclair: Chocolate. 

Tv Chick: Boring. 

Sinclair: How can an ice cream flavor be boring? 

Tv Chick: Other than I don't like chocolate ice cream, it has no unique qualities. Like superman for instance is... 

Sinclair: Whatever. 

Tv Chick:*angry at being interrupted for the third time* I bet Mr. Garibaldi will have a more interesting answer. 

Garibaldi: Thank you. I like strawberry, vanilla, AND chocolate mixed together. What'd you call that again? 

Tv Chick: Who cares? But now it's time for Lyta and Zack. TTFN-Ta Ta For Now. 

Garibaldi and Sinclair: *exit* 

_____ 

Tv Chick: And now it is my pleasure to welcome Miss Lyta Alexander and Mr. Zack Allan to the show. 

Lyta and Zack: *enter and sit down* 

Tv Chick: Let's get rolling. Let's start off with the person from B5 you most want to go out with. 

Lyta:*sadly* Byron, even though he's dead, he was an amazing person. 

Tv Chick: Yeah, he was alright. But he was about 5 years late on getting a haircut. 

Zack: Ain't that the truth! The guy could be mistaken for a girl from behind. 

Lyta: That's not fair; and for your 411 I like guys with long hair. 

Zack:*jaw drops* You do!? I mean...whatever. Why would I care? *scribbles something down on a peice of paper* 

Tv Chick: Zack, you didn't answer the question yet, so who is she? 

Zack:*sheepishly* She? 

Tv Chick: Gross, you're saying you're gay? 

Zack: NO!!!!! 

Tv Chick:*aggravated* Then what woman on B5 do you wanna date? 

Zack: I don't know. 

Tv Chick:*to Lyta* In other words, he wants to date you.> 

Lyta: You're a telepath.> 

Tv Chick: Yeah, but don't tell Bester. I don't like to have to kill people; not even those Psi Corp buffoons.> 

Lyta: Your secret's safe with me.> 

Zack: What's going on? Are you guys having a staring contest? 

Tv Chick: Yep. She won. Next question is: what is your favorite book and why is it your favorite? 

Zack: Oh, that's easy. My favorite book is _The Lord of the Rings_. 

Tv Chick: Yeah, I like it too. What'd you think about how they changed it in the movie? 

Zack:*suprised* It was a movie!? I didn't know that. I bet the action sequences are awesome! 

Tv Chick: You have been spending way too much time with that idiot Garibaldi. 

Lyta: No kidding.> I like to read _Anne of Green Gables _and _Little Women_. It is very easy to relate to the main characters. 

Zack:*starts scribbling on his paper again* 

Tv Chick: I so agree. I really did relate to Jo and Anne. 

Lyta: Omigosh! So did I. 

Zack:*still writing* 

Tv Chick: He's taking notes, you know.> 

Lyta: I'm suprised he didn't bring a tape recorder.>   
  
Tv Chick: Yeah, but then we couldn't watch him.> 

Lyta: Or see if he actually fell for that long hair thing.> 

Tv Chick: You are so devious. I like you.> 

Lyta: Thanks.> 

Zack:*finishes writing* 

Lyta:*sweetly* So what were you writing, Zack? 

Zack:*nervously* Oh...uh...I'm trying to become an author on the side. You know, gotta write when inspiration hits. 

Tv Chick: I love to write. Can I see, ya know, one writer to another? 

Zack: No! *fidgets* I mean it's nowhere near done, and I'd be too embarassed. 

Lyta and Tv Chick: *laughing*> 

Tv Chick: What is something you have always wanted to do? 

Lyta: It can be anything? 

Tv Chick: Yep. 

Lyta: Go to a disco. 

Zack:*scribbles again* 

Tv Chick: Yeah right. The truth, please?> 

Lyta: The truth is I've always wanted to learn to box.> 

Tv Chick: Cool.> So, Mr. Allan, what have always wanted to do? 

Zack: That's private. 

Lyta: I'll say it is.> 

Tv Chick: Loved having you, but it's Stephen's and Marcus' turn. Zack, let me know how that novel turns out. 

Zack: What? Oh...yeah sure. 

Zack and Lyta:*exit* 

_____ 

Tv Chick: Introducing the fabulous Marcus Cole and the knowledgable Doctor Stephen Franklin. 

Marcus and Stephen:*enter* 

Marcus: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much! 

Stephen: Knock it off. We've only been here one minute and you're already doing an Elvis impression. 

Tv Chick: Well, our first topic is favorite knock knock jokes. 

Marcus: Finally a person with a sense of humor, unlike a certain doctor I know of. My favorite is one I made up. 

Tv Chick. Let's here it! 

Marcus: Knock, knock. 

Tv Chick: Who's there? 

Marcus: Runaway. 

Tv Chick: Runaway, who? 

Marcus: Run away! Ivanova's on a rampage! 

Stephen: What kind of a joke is that!? 

Tv Chick: I thought it was funny. 

Stephen: You're ten! 

Tv Chick: Fourteen, for your information. And I made one up similar to it. 

Stephen: What? 

Tv Chick: Knock, knock. 

Stephen:*exasperated* Who's there? 

Tv Chick: Ivanova. 

Stephen: Ivanova, who? 

Tv Chick: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will... 

Marcus: I'll have to remember that one. So, Stevie, what's your favorite? 

Stephen: The bananna-orange one; and don't call me Stevie! Could we please have a serious question? 

Marcus:*puppy dog face* But I like funny questions! 

Tv Chick: Well, this one should accomodate both of you: what is your favorite kind of pie? 

Stephen: Prune. It tastes good and it's good for you. 

Marcus: Bananna cream pie. It tastes good and it's funny. 

Stephen: How can pie be funny? 

Tv Chick: Don't you watch _Bonkers_? Though he forgot to mention my mom's cement pie. 

Stephen: That must be bad. 

Marcus: No, it just looks like cement on top. 

Stephen: How would you know? 

Marcus:*grinning* My secret. 

Stephen:*ugh* One of these days I'm gonna take the pike of yours and bash you over the head with it! 

Tv Chick: If you made a bumper sticker what would it say? 

Stephen: Save lives. 

Marcus: Kick Neroon's Butt! 

Tv Chick: We're running out of time so, what superhero would you most like to be? 

Stephen: I don't know! Superman? Batman? 

Marcus: Superman is too nice; Batman is too dark. Spiderman on the other hand is cool and realistic. 

Stephen: They're make-believe! Who cares?!! 

Marcus and Tv Chick: WE DO!!!!!!! 

Tv Chick: It's time to interview Ivanova and Lochley. 

Stephen:*stalks of muttering something about d^^^ fools*   
  
Tv Chick: Marcus, why are you still here?   
  
Marcus: I was wondering if I could stay and just hide behind the sofa? 

Tv Chick: Why no!t it will make things more interesting. 

Marcus:*ducks behind the sofa* 

_____ 

Tv Chick: And now last but definately not least--Ivanova and Lochley!!! 

Ivanova and Lochley:*enter* 

Tv Chick: Now I just want to say it is an honor meeting you both. 

Ivanova: Thanks, now on to business. What do you want to know? 

Tv Chick: Well, what do think is the wittiest thing you've ever said? 

Ivanova: Well, that is a hard one. It could be the B5 mantra or that thing I said to Talia right before... 

Tv Chick:*hastily* Or that thing you said Sheridan about his snoring. 

Ivanova: Or about his woman being a saint. 

Ivanova and Tv Chick:*steal a glance at Lochley* 

Lochley: What! are you cleptomaniacs, you gotta steal everything including glances!?! 

Tv Chick: Do have an answer? 

Lochley: Let me think for a moment. 

Tv Chick: Okay.*to Ivanova* Hey, Ivanova! Are you really still a latent teep?> 

Ivanova:*keeping cool* No. And if you tell anyone I'll rip your lungs out!!> 

Tv Chick: You wanna have some fun?> 

Ivanova :Not with her.> 

Tv Chick: You obvisously aren't paying attention. Marcus is hiding behind the sofa.> 

Ivanova:What!!> 

Tv Chick: Have you come up with anything yet, Captain Lochley? 

Lochley: Too much to choose from. 

Tv Chick:*to Lochley* Would you like to be a telepath temporarily? Don't say anything out loud. I'm the author so I can make you a teep temporarily. Nodd yes or no.> 

Lochley:*nodds yes* Wow! it worked! What's that guy doing behind the couch?> 

Ivanova: That's what I want to know.> 

Tv Chick: I let him stay to make things more interesting.>*sends them her plans telepathicly* 

Marcus:*is getting uncomfortable from the silence**he sees Ivanova and Lochley stand up. they look at him begin to laugh. he looks down sees he's wearing a little, black dress and high heels. he runs out.* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ivanova: That was a good idea. So what should we do next? 

Lochley: Who was that guy? 

Tv Chick: Long story. 

Ivanova: Very long story. 

Tv Chick: Right. So what is the funnest thing you've ever done? 

Lochley: Well, once when I was drunk I beat up a biker who hit on me repeatedly. I threw him out a second story window. That was pretty fun. 

Ivanova: I threw a telepath out a third story window on Io; but the funnest was beating up a drunken smuggler (and his buddies) who called me cute when I was half-drunk because I was having a really bad day. 

Tv Chick: I have that on tape! Uh-oh, we're almost out of time!! What's your favorite thing to drink? 

Ivanova:Vodka. 

Lochley: That's not what she meant! 

Ivanova: Is too! 

Lochley: Is not! 

Ivanova: Is too! 

Lochley: Is not! 

Ivanova: Is too! You PAK'MARA! 

Lochley: Is not! You SPOO HEAD! 

Ivanova: YOU HAVE AN IQ LOWER THAN MARCUS!!!!! 

Lochley: YOU HAVE A BUTT THE SIZE OF A WHITE STAR!!!!! 

Tv Chick: STOP!!!IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 

Ivanova and Lochley:*stop abruptly* 

Tv Chick: Now, Lochley, what is your favorite thing to drink? 

Lochley: Water. 

Tv Chick: Now it's time for us to say good-bye. 

Everyone:*enters and mingles while credits role* 

Tv Chick: Susan, Elizabeth, and Lyta are invited to hang out at my place! 

Ivanova: Okay. 

Lochley: Sure. 

Lyta: Great. 

Marcus:*who is wrapped up in a sheet* What about me? 

Ivanova: Sorry, that sheet implies a little too much for me. 

Tv Chick, Lyta, Ivanova, and Lochley:*exit* 

Zack:*sneaks off after them* 

Ten minutes later. 

Garibaldi: What do we do now? 

Sheridan: I saw donuts. 

Everyone: LET'S GO!!!!!!! 


End file.
